canto ostinato meanders into godot

The first dhamma talk Hamid gives invites us ‘to become intimate with our own mind’. This invitation shapes this retreat for me. The word intimacy stands out, as an 9⁰0⁹90⁰appeal worth exploring to discover what is revealed.

During the different Za-zen period, my mind races in repetitions, along paths and patterns, I have crossed  before, cross now over again and will cross in the future. Familiair places, not all pleasant to find myself in. When the retreat progresses  I observe small diversions, side-roads, here and there, another layer of thoughts which exposes itself. Canto Ostinato comes to mind (https://open.spotify.com/album/5eamioEvf7MTRP2DM2n9wV?si=RWm89poCRdCG84rGju7Inw). A hyptonizing piece of piano music, I am fond of, full of repetitions, gradual transformation of the repetitions and new themes.  I experience tiny shifts in my experience of my thoughts, sense perhaps intimacy with my own mind (after all, I like the canto ostinato 😊), I can observe from a little distance the floating thoughts as mine and not mine, I sense acceptance in myself that they are there and will be with me in one way or the other. The annoyance I have felt towards myself about being overcome by thoughts and not being able to focus on the Zazen posture and the breath vanishes, drops away. Switching between modes: observing the thoughts, returning to observing posture and breath suddenly comes easier on me. I realize that my acceptance of ‘this is just the way it is’  is the key. As the week progresses another parallel strikes me. A parallel between my thoughts and the play: waiting for Godot. In this play the assistant of Godot returns to two vagabonds several times to tell them: ‘Godot will be here tomorrow’. The vagabonds continue waiting for days because they believe ‘tomorrow’ Godot will show up. Every new day brings also a new tomorrow. Like the vagabonds I believe my thoughts over and over again, while they are as insubstantial true and not true as the statement ‘Godot comes tomorrow’. I can laugh at the absurdity of my own thoughts and am overcome by lightness and chuckles about myself multiple times during the latter part of the retreat. Don’t take yourself too seriously, is another message given by Hamid during this week. The embodied experience of this message during this week, however short, was a new discovery/experience which revealed itself in Za-zen.