After two days and many hours of sitting in zazen, the incessant thoughts of my every day life, the
distractions and desires finally began to ebb and slow, and what started to rise were the thoughts
that reflected the deeper, more troubling realities I was contending with. I sat and observed as
these thoughts kept rising and releasing. And as Zazen isn't really about achieving a goal or
objective; its about sitting with what surfaces, I continued to return to my breath and let this
process be what it is. This continuous process creates an odd harmony of body and mind, and
eventually the physical environment started to merge with the flow of my personal internal chaos.
I do use the word chaos because the stillness for me wasn’t a blissful state, or particularly
revelatory, although those moments did occur from time to time, and were revealing. what the
retreat gave me this last time was a sense of peace, that came through this natural processing of
my internal world, without judgment. It gave me sense and serenity that allowed me the
determination and will to reset and re approach important aspects of my life.
Hamid, an ordained Zen monk, prefers the title facilitator. That's an apt description; because what
he does and the talks he gives are not about teaching a grand truth. It’s about creating a space
where we can have these real and true connections with ourselves, and with those sharing the
space with us, in silence.
The struggle to sit in the correct posture is also real, especially in the beginning, but persistence
opens you up in unforeseen ways. For me, those openings correlated with this fragile peace that
gave me this lost ability to look at what ails me, with more patience and kindness to myself and to
those involved with me. It's not that I sit to feel serene; but the serenity came from sitting without
an objective. This flips the script on our culture of constantly doing and achieving…it makes you
realize that sometimes ‘just being’ is the most profound act of all.
In the silent spaces that these retreats in Bali and Portugal offer(I did my first one at Karuna in
Monchique 2017), It’s not enlightenment we chase, but a rawer honesty with ourselves. We sit to
acknowledge what rises up for us, not to subdue it, even if paradoxically that is exactly what
happens, sometimes. The simplicity of just sitting, breathing, and being, is what makes you look
inwards and the reward is in the doing.
The incidental clarity that can emerge from this work is both confronting and freeing. You realize
how the chase for more distracts from the core truth of simply being. Its made me realize that a
25-minute daily practice, is very important to hold onto this fragile peace. (and compared to the 5
hours of daily sitting at the retreat it becomes much easier by comparison! :))
Zazen helps me see the the beauty in the unpolished and gives me a tool to help live with and
react differently to the challenges that life will always present.
For me going to the retreats has been a calling, so for any of you who haven’t attended, if you're
feeling that you are called to try, and I assume you are if you are reading or listening to me, then
don’t ignore it, the experience is well worth it.
Comments