nyepi

scattered notes lifted from silence from the unspeakable in words what seemed like silence never stays silence never goes present everywhere nowhere to be found for what silence is do we know only intimations intimation alone

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“what is hell? i maintain that it is the suffering of being unable to love.” - fyodor dostoevsky, the brothers karamazov

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to be in bali in this time the day of silence new moon a year leaps over the next not before banishing evil spirits from the face of the island exiled for now you may return another time you the misadventured years moving on at times leaping never still never still the hour except for the fading of the evening's embers when in the fold of stillness everything falls

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it's been a long week meant to be spent sitting still meant to be spent letting thoughts come and go holding on to none keep the eyes open but turn your light inward so went the guidance we all received what is meant does not reveal what is what is is what the moment is the unhidden yet unseen part of every path gift to whomever treads the unknown

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spent most of the days grieving grieving loss of time both time lost and losing time loss of the newly parted departed where grieving your own horizon's shrinking shrinking to where back to nowhere that's where you came from never forget your home the palace of nowhere so has it is called you griever without grief home-leaver of no home les arbres portent désormais ton deuil

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in the same breath the vastness of the world's pain welling up before you or is it within you where is the difference does anyone know you do not resist let that opening become you but first let it break you up or break you open whichever comes first this sorrow where you learn to love the world noble that suffering it reaches deep deeper than insight the breaking open of the heart flowering of emptiness unpetalling in your hands true receiving

and no receiver

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how do you measure what measures you let go of all measures this dazzles the mind with measures of its own mind sees the world they drop when body and mind drop away appears the dharma what was never concealed it appears the nothing is ever hidden in the universe is what makes here here

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the days the nights childhood stars illumining old age now is that you aged and ageless the timeless seen through time the moment the still yet moving moment

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fast tempoed and intense then the pause then the down tempo the sound of the gamalan

piercing through the evening drizzle slowly now we follow the echoes nightfall in margatengah the volcano's dreams move on as darkness comes upon her and rest to everything is given

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grieving doesn't occupy your home it offers you vistas of passing clouds long and intense their shadows it offers more sky to the heart speckless space at times speckless at times it's darkness more than the heart can take the boundless space let thresholds fall away let your roof get ripped away let windows break let the stars nestle in your eyes let yourself drown in their shimmers

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have you noticed how still how quiet the day has become i ask the carps in the pond

thunder rumbling in the distance a dog maybe two bark in the village everything so close and yet distant anything else you hear dear carps the rustling of leaves in the wind do you hear it from your low chambers the whispering bamboos in the grove the leaping of the frog into your house the bells ringing from the temple do you hear the many sounds the rain makes

the many sounds silence makes

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not an invention of your mind the sunken walls do confine you in every move you push further away what limits your thrusting yourself beyond into the open into the edgeless world while stirring still you carry the world in your stride

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the palm's reflections the shadow of passing clouds do you see it the long rippling in your mirror mirror without an in without an out diaphanous that leaves the world within the world without suspended from the glitter the glitter of your colors so bright

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die welt ist fort, ich muss dich tragen / the world is gone, i must carry you - paul celan