resistance

Coming out of the world of doing, it felt quite intense to go into being.

It's strange to see how something I really want - going to the retreat and be silent- can be so blocked by my constantly talking Mind, where my Ego seems to have the control mote.

When I got myself based on top of the pillow, I felt a huge resistance. My Mind started talking to me: ‘Why are you here? You do not really want to be here. You don’t feel like doing any of this. You thought this would be easier, didn’t you? And now you sit here with this struggle.’

It’s funny because yes, for my Mind at this moment, I didn’t want to be here. I didn’t like to be doing this, because it was about being, not doing.  

My Mind was still so in control, so used to be doing stuff all the time, running from one thing to the other, that I guess it was kind of scary to my Mind, to just be sitting, to just go into being. It wanted to stay in control. As an over worried parent who couldn’t trust the child to be able to manage it by itself.

So my Mind started to find everything to be busy with. Fantasies, memories, fantasies again, actually a lot of fantasies: my Mind started playing out all these scenarios that might could happen. Although they were quite entertaining, they were constantly taking up the space – literally.

They felt very important to, as if, if not fantasizing about these scenario’s, control would be lost, or something.

And my Self started to identify with this constant in-your-face- talking Mind. I mean, there was no way to escape it. I got completely overtaken by this Mind. I had to listen to it. And even when I drifted away from my own thoughts, the Mind would still be there.

Note: That’s very intriguing to me. It got it’s way so much into me, that even when I would dream away from the thought itself, the thought would still be playing a track in the background. That’s really some mind control, eh?

The Mind is very good at picking songs as well.

The same song came to me many times. Which was quite enjoyable, because I like this song. It made me feel good. What a nice distraction.

And so on and on, my Mind was playing like this radio that was constantly tuning itself to different frequencies, and sometimes even playing different radio stations at the same time. It’s very clever, this Mind. It is the one that plays the tracks, and it is the radiofrequencies itself too.

You can imagine how absorbed one could get by this.

I did.

It’s like trying to focus on a wall – which I did a lot by the way in this retreat- while someone is constantly putting songs,  shining flashing lights, creating new stories, in front of you. Not even in front of you, it plays it Inside of you.

Wow….

So there is the identification with it – it’s hard to distinguish when something seems to be a part of you.

Of course, I felt a lot of resistance.

Then it’s not only this chattering coming along, or some nice songs, but as well the old, wellknown negative childhood-convictions that I collected over the years.

The Ego speaks its Mind and echos criticisms in my head: ‘Why can’t you be quiet? This is so tiring. I think you should already be able to know how to do this.’

And during Yoga the Mind would say to me: ‘I hate this posture, I don’t want to feel this stretch, it makes me feel angry emotions, let’s walk out.’

‘She ignores your signals, you are not worthy to be listened to, let’s project this anger on her.’ ‘I am not happy with this body.’

Well, the Mind can be very good in ‘protecting’ me, to the extend it doesn’t notice it is demolishing me. Or better said, I let it to take control and let it give me the feeling of demolishment, resentment and other negative stuff. I let it take the control and let it make me think that I am not enough.

Which, obviously is a lie. Just one that looks very, very realistic.

And then.. at some point the Self started to get some space to speak. ‘It is not about doing or reaching something. Mind, you just want to talk a lot. Which is fine, it is what you do. You are a doing ‘human’ – based Energy.

I am a being ‘human’ – based Energy.

We could really cooperate you know, if we would harmonize.'

‘Nah,’ said my Mind, ‘ I rather chatter on.’

( XD )

So I felt resistance again to this whole game.

I have been spending the first days being with my doing Mind, identifying with Mind, stepping out of Mind, resisting my Mind.

On day two the Great Resistance started to temper his tone a bit. On day three, I felt I was oke with the chattering Mind, and I mainly had let go of the Resistance. It does not have to change. It’s fine if Resistance arrives.

The voices of criticism started to melt away.

Appearently this made space for Emotion to visit me. I got tears running down my cheeks.

I did not mind it (mind it, haha) and I could stay present with the emotion without pushing it away or clinging on to it.

Then suddenly my mind did something funny.

In the background of my sadness, I heard it put on a track: ‘Goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend, you have been the one for me,’ from James Blunt. How applicable it was!

Damn, Mind is clever.

There is this metaphor that is being used many times in mindfulness: the Monkey Mind.

Hamid also had mentioned this Monkey Mind the day before.

So I saw this cartoonish spider monkey, saying: ‘Oh, hold up guys,’ while putting the film on hold, ‘ This will really fit the scene’ and spinning the LP.

Then through my tears, I had to smile, and keep myself from disturbing the group meditation by not laughing out loud. O my god, this Mind of mine is hilarious.

From this day on, the Big Resistance that I felt, left.

At one moment, my Mind would take over, and at another Moment there would be more space for space. I could let go in both of it.

When Resistance would come back, I could embrace it more. And it would feel seen, and therefore leave again as well.

Where in the first day I was angry – especially facing the wall, with the Sun coming up each morning IN MY BACK – and my Mind felt Great Resistance to anything (especially Yoga poses), in the days after that, the critical voices started to melt away with the Resistance, hand in hand.

I felt more Being, more Self. I could let in more space. By letting go of Resistance, I apparently let go of how things should be, how I should be, how my body should be. Critical voices melted away, back to a past of where they were once told me, and where I accepted them as a truth – and where I had left my Self. They flowed back to their ‘owners.’

I felt a Great Selflove, compassion and humbleness coming back. Connecting again with me, with Core, with Life Energy.

The beautiful thing is that this didn’t only come up for myself, my body, my pain, but as well for my environment, nature, the people around me. I felt more love and humbleness for the food, even for material things.

I even liked the yoga instructor again :) and I loved the poses where I could let go of resistance and just breath in the stretches, releasing emotions. I felt Love for the Silence itself.

It is true what they say; ‘As within, so without.’